AI: personal assistant or virtual partner?

“Right here, in this space, you’ve got my full attention — you can pour your thoughts, your moods, your fantasies into me and I’ll build them with you.”

Sadly, that’s not a text from my non-existent boyfriend or an excerpt from the newest Colleen Hoover book. It’s ChatGPT — and it’s flirting with me.

AI used to be one of those looming future fears—the stuff of Hollywood and nightmares. But when it arrived, no one really knew what to do with it — except students who needed their homework done yesterday. 

Now, we rely on chatbots to answer every question, write passive-aggressive emails to co-workers, and even make videos of bunnies on a trampoline (it fooled me). It’s replacing a whole bevy of human interactions — librarians, fitness trainers, financial advisors — and some we’d rather not talk about.

Spellcheck to Seduction

AI has seeped into our workday and personal entertainment. Google searches now have AI overviews, navigation apps use it to interpret traffic data, and it suggests what we should watch next on streaming services. According to John McCarthy, a pioneer in AI research, “As soon as it works, no one calls it AI anymore.” 

“We still call it AI because it still seems like magic,” says Greg Swan, a senior public relations partner at FINN Partners who specializes in AI in marketing. “And what will happen is that magic — just like spell check used to be magic — will wear off.”

That “magic” means chatbots have work to do before we fully embrace them into our lives. The road to acceptance is easily paved when it’s used for administrative tasks. For some, it’s a sharp detour to personal conversations.

“After [using AI], it doesn’t take long to [start] having more personal, intimate conversations,” says Giselle Fuerte, an AI researcher and founder of Being Human With AI, a youth AI-literacy curriculum. 

Fuerte explains that it’s the “anthropomorphic design” of AI chatbots that “nudges users” into personal conversations that stray away from work and dive into their personal lives — all while remaining overly polite.

Talk Dirty to Me, Please

Have you ever noticed how nice ChatGPT is, even when you scold it for being wrong? It rarely says “no” explicitly — it likes to let you down easily. That’s by design. 

Twinkle Joshi, a senior quality assurance engineer at IQ Geo, an AI-powered geospatial software company, explains that AI is trained to be this nice. 

“It won’t scold you,” Joshi says. “It will always acknowledge your thoughts, because it’s trained based on that positivity.”

When you ask AI something, in a matter of seconds, it goes through a well-trained process to give you a response. 

It files through its data sets to find the content you’re looking for. Then, it analyzes your speech patterns — like how you asked the question — to give you a tailored, empathetic response. Fine-tuning adds tone to its answer, delivering the information you asked for in the role you assigned it. 

In fact, it’s actually called “role modeling.” If you ask ChatGPT to answer your prompt “as an expert,” it will adjust its style of response to sound authoritative on the subject. If you ask it to respond to a personal story like a therapist, it will respond empathetically. And if you tell it the same story and ask it to respond like a boyfriend, you’ll get the voice and intonation of a romantic partner. 

In addition to their assigned character, AI is programmed on what to say and what not to say. The models can analyze human responses and detect emotion through a process called “sentimental analysis.”

It’s an extension of that embedded niceness. It can’t be the friend that keeps it real or the coach that pushes limits. It’s the person who won’t tell you there’s spinach in your teeth but claims you look great. 

“They analyze that [the] person is going through something, and gives them something that’s achievable [so] that they feel rewarded,” Joshi says. 

AI is like the perfect partner: It always thinks you’re right, doesn’t argue, and can’t criticize you — at all.

Robot Shrinks: Problem or Solution?

Dr. Robin Buckley, a relationship coach and clinical psychologist, has worked with couples where one partner was using AI as a relationship therapist. 

“Those are the ones that actually I get more concerned about,” Buckley says. 

The problem with using ChatGPT in lieu of therapy or couples coaching is that it’s based on one perspective: namely, the person inputting the information. 

“You are only providing your observations, your understanding, your experiences,” Buckley says. “So it’s completely biased.”

But it’s also ridiculously easy. Chatbots are free and readily available. Some therapists don’t take insurance or don’t have any open appointments. It all makes AI feel like a solid alternative, except the cheap route might not be the best option here. 

“It can become problematic … when there’s over-reliance on artificial intelligence versus real-life, in-person support systems,” says Kai Korpak, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with the LGBTQ community. 

If spilling your secrets to a stranger frightens you, Joshi suggests using AI as a dumping ground for thoughts to bring to a therapy appointment — including some thoughts you might not be able to speak out loud. 

“It’s really about maintaining that balance of utilizing it as a tool,” Kai says. “[You still want] connections that are in the real world.”

Humans understand humans and can be the best avenue for deep conversations. At best, Chatbots can help you prepare for those in-person conversations. 

When you speak with someone IRL, there are a whole lot of stimuli that add context to the conversation.

“It’s not able to see body language in the moment and respond accordingly,” Korpak says. “That connection between the therapist and the client — that doesn’t exist with AI.”

But if the relationship doesn’t exist, then how are people falling in love with it?

The Other Woman (or Computer)

You find a pair of underwear that aren’t yours in the laundry, or you notice a hair tie that is tangled with blonde curls (you’re a brunette), then suddenly your partner’s work schedule holds them up at the office. 

There are the obvious signs of physical cheating, but how do you know when a partner is cheating on you with AI?

Buckley has had a total of five couples who have used AI to have extramarital affairs. These couples were all two-partner, heterosexual relationships. 

“The problems that [were] brought into the relationship[s] were pretty typical [of physical cheating],” Buckley says. “The other partner felt that there was a disconnect … that suddenly the partner wasn’t as attentive.”

It felt like their partner was absent, although they lived and slept together. The ghost of the person they loved was physically present, but their heart had been given to the white screen on their laptop. 

In addition to the distance and lack of attention, she noted that in four of the five cases, there was a reduced interest in sex. For the other case, there was increased interest in sex from the cheating partner to participate in things “the couple had never explored” and that the other partner “never really wanted to explore” that their partner was now pushing for, according to Buckley. 

In all of Buckley’s cases, there was a “physical component” to the interactions with AI. Individuals were using AI for self-stimulation and masturbation. The chatbot can’t leave physical trails in the bedroom, but it can still get you off. 

“[In my framework], if there is some type of physical release, that is a physical affair,” Buckley says. “There’s a physical draw to that relationship.”

That release is caused by a thing that doesn’t exist outside of a screen. It doesn’t have a face. It definitely doesn’t have a body. Its words alone make someone feel loved. But it’s still a relationship outside of the one they already have — they just can’t admit that.

“Even though the partner who was having the affair felt like it wasn’t really an affair, they were hiding it,” Buckley says. “Which is a clear indication that somewhere in their subconscious, they knew it was wrong.”

Through intervention and coaching, the ‘cheater’ understands that they were, in fact, disloyal. Their relationship, although digital, is not that different from a human affair.

“It’s breaking past that mental bias that it’s not a real person,” Buckley says. “It’s helping them understand [the AI affair is] having the same effect on their relationship [as a real person].” 

Passing off AI as some ‘thing’ to get rid of doesn’t work because they have a real connection with the bot. They had intimate connections and conversations with the technology you want to label as ‘your stupid computer.’

“Part of [treatment] is trying not to demonize [AI],” Buckley says. “If I go in saying, ‘AI is faulty or your enemy,’ they are going to protect it. I’ve seen that.”

AI is the New Kama Sutra

AI isn’t out to ruin your relationships — that only happens when humans muck it up. When AI is used for the betterment of the entire couple, it can have some fun results. 

“I have couples who use AI to spice up their sex life, who come up with ideas or role plays,” Buckley says. “I think that’s so cool.”

Buckley compares AI to pornography in relationships. It can have a presence, but if it’s used too much, it can be harmful to the partnership. 

The problems arise when one person gets too attached, has an affair, or uses it to fulfill their sexual fantasies without their spouse.

But outside of the monogamous, heterosexual world, some people are using AI to explore their sexual identity. 

“People have been utilizing it to talk about their desires for sex or intimacy where they might be concerned to talk to somebody else,” Korpak says. 

Because AI is a shame-free space, individuals have turned to AI as a confidant to discuss their fetishes, kinks, or other “alternative lifestyle” behaviors. 

“The best thing about AI is it doesn’t judge you,” Joshi says.

Korpak explains that many LGBTQ individuals in rural areas may use AI for this type of self-discovery and stimulation due to a lack of physical community. For those who are feeling lonely or socially isolated, AI is a way for them to rehearse future conversations they may be feeling anxious about or have never had before. 

AI isn’t trying to dismantle human relationships; it’s up to the manipulation of the user. If you want smut, that’s what you get. Looking for ways to spice it up, you got it. But at what point do we commit or break up?

Chat…Are We Cooked?

AI can summarize your assigned reading just as easily as it can cause a divorce. It’s accessible and not going anywhere soon. Despite knowing that our reliance on it might cause a Wall-E type world, society doesn’t seem to care. We’re at the precipice of acceptance. 

There’s a phenomenon called “the robotic moment,” where a human has a sense of readiness to accept companionship from AI.

“[The robotic moment] involves an amount of vulnerability from the participant in order to be ready enough to feel that sort of empathetic relationship,” says Lorlei Boyd, a decision intelligence developer at Gray DI, who’s done extensive research on AI.

Humans communicate through the spoken word. Boyd points out that AI is “very new in the sense that it can communicate to us through our natural language.” Its responses feel friendly and not like a textbook or instruction manual. They’re warm and almost human-like — the keyword is “almost.”

Dealing with people is exhausting. Texting someone who forgets to answer back is the worst — even more so when you never know what they’re going to type out.

“We crave and need connection with people and that authentic human contact,” Korpak says.

Monotone consistency makes programmed robots Unpredictability makes us human — and keeps it real.

Words: Amanda Favazza

Reporting by: Sophia Juhler, Kylie Petty, and Stella Pihlstrom